Okay, so I'm a nerd..
Friday, January 14, 2005
Biblical Bloopers
Biblical Bloopers
[from an article by Richard Lederer in the National Review, December 31, 1995]
These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic, and unretouched. (None, of course, was written by your child - or any youngster in your school district.)
It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
[from an article by Richard Lederer in the National Review, December 31, 1995]
These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic, and unretouched. (None, of course, was written by your child - or any youngster in your school district.)
It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Sampson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
What religion are you?
| You scored as Jewish. You are a Jew. You understand that there is something basically missing in the teachings of religion and so-called "spirituality" today. The continuity in time and dedication of the Jewish faith make the most sense to you. You may be drawn to Judaeism out of a jaded opinion of the world today, but hey, it can't be a bad thing to be one the chosen people.
Religion created with QuizFarm.com |
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
miniMac and iPod Shuffle.... *drool*
Okay, let's start first with the iPod shuffle. Wow... Apple has made an iPod that anyone can afford, and directly competes with the lower-end of the MP3 players out there (the iPod 10GB and up already dominate the upper-end). Wow... *drool*.
Okay, now the miniMac. I WANT ONE. It's so tiny! And yet, wow.. So affordable. Admittedly it's only a G4, and it only comes with 128MB ram (remember, Mac isn't quite so memory hoggish, but still, I'd bump it up to 256 at least). But it's still great, and I mean GREAT, competition for the lower-end computer market. Dell - watch out, Apple's decided that you're too big for your britches. So it doesn't run Windows, in MY book, that's usually a bonus (although EQ2 doesn't run on the mac, and even at work we'd keep a Windows Terminal Server lying around somewhere). But I'll let everyone else try it out first, and after the reviews start to come back, I'll review putting it in the budget somewhere this summer or something. We'll see.
Apple, it appears, has finally decided that they've got the high end, high price market, and that it's time to start competing with the mid-to-lower end market. I am SOOO drooling. (Okay, not really. But I keep thinking about it.) If Apple keeps this up, well, I was already considering an XServe for work (we need a new file server, and that's about all it needs to do ... for now), I may just re-evaluate them for my work's desktops..
Okay, now the miniMac. I WANT ONE. It's so tiny! And yet, wow.. So affordable. Admittedly it's only a G4, and it only comes with 128MB ram (remember, Mac isn't quite so memory hoggish, but still, I'd bump it up to 256 at least). But it's still great, and I mean GREAT, competition for the lower-end computer market. Dell - watch out, Apple's decided that you're too big for your britches. So it doesn't run Windows, in MY book, that's usually a bonus (although EQ2 doesn't run on the mac, and even at work we'd keep a Windows Terminal Server lying around somewhere). But I'll let everyone else try it out first, and after the reviews start to come back, I'll review putting it in the budget somewhere this summer or something. We'll see.
Apple, it appears, has finally decided that they've got the high end, high price market, and that it's time to start competing with the mid-to-lower end market. I am SOOO drooling. (Okay, not really. But I keep thinking about it.) If Apple keeps this up, well, I was already considering an XServe for work (we need a new file server, and that's about all it needs to do ... for now), I may just re-evaluate them for my work's desktops..
Sunday, January 02, 2005
Wireless Router Saga
Okay, so I have a MN-100 Microsoft 802.11b router. Which means that it's ok on the speed, but it's security (WEP only) is out of date, and someone could crack the wep key. So, I wanted to upgrade to a newer 11g router, which would have WPA-PSK, basically MUCH safer in terms of immediate hackability (determined hackers are another thing). So, I bought a Linksys WRT54G. First mistake. The thing kept dropping our connections. I ran NetStumbler on my laptop (see! a GOOD use for a tool that otherwise can be used for hacking... anyways...) and my Microsoft router kept going up to -90dB, which is very good. (Since it's in the room next to the office, and only some drywall is between them, that's to be expected.) Okay, the WRT54G, with it's TWO antennas, was getting -60dB. Noise was around -20dB to -30dB, so I was getting half the usable signal, and it had more errors in the signal by far than the Microsoft one.
So I took it back (got it because my CEO gave me a $50 Best Buy gift card, so I only had to spend ~$25 including tax), and got a Netgear WGT624. It came out at around -50dB. I took it back within 2 hours because I couldn't get it to go higher, and it didn't even have the option to replace/upgrade the antenna! (What is UP with that?! Linksys uses nice standard SMC connectors, and I think DLink has an adapter to use them, so there's no excuse...) When I took it back, I exchanged it for a DLink DI-524. Oh, it's nice. The signal's nice and strong (~ -85dB) and it still supports all the things I want, like UPnP and Port Forwarding (not much, yeah, but still, someone's gonna make a cheap router that doesn't even do one of those someday, I'm sure...).
I'm hoping that it continues to run well, I REALLY want to replace the MN-100 (not because it's not capable, but I want the extra security that WPA will get me, and I have a DSL connection, so..). If Microsoft would upgrade the MN-100 to do WPA, I'd stick with it, it's got a nice powerful little radio.
So I took it back (got it because my CEO gave me a $50 Best Buy gift card, so I only had to spend ~$25 including tax), and got a Netgear WGT624. It came out at around -50dB. I took it back within 2 hours because I couldn't get it to go higher, and it didn't even have the option to replace/upgrade the antenna! (What is UP with that?! Linksys uses nice standard SMC connectors, and I think DLink has an adapter to use them, so there's no excuse...) When I took it back, I exchanged it for a DLink DI-524. Oh, it's nice. The signal's nice and strong (~ -85dB) and it still supports all the things I want, like UPnP and Port Forwarding (not much, yeah, but still, someone's gonna make a cheap router that doesn't even do one of those someday, I'm sure...).
I'm hoping that it continues to run well, I REALLY want to replace the MN-100 (not because it's not capable, but I want the extra security that WPA will get me, and I have a DSL connection, so..). If Microsoft would upgrade the MN-100 to do WPA, I'd stick with it, it's got a nice powerful little radio.
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